First Night Tips!

Pray together

You know the importance of this day. It’s the first time you are spending alone with your wife and a remarkable beginning of a new era of your life. Among many who are still not able to get wedded due to so many reasons you are one among the lucky slot to achieve it. Isn’t it a great opportunity to thank God? Hold hands to together, read the Bible and thank God who made this entire thing possible. Commit your family life to God and promise to keep Him the head of your family. There’s no joy than to give glory to God for such a happy moment in your life.

Do not hurry.

Sex is often mistaken with intercourse. Sex doesn’t always mean inserting the genital. It starts with loving your spouse physically with all your mind. You need to admire your spouse, touch, massage, kiss passionately and most importantly make her feel that she is important. Hold her firmly and instill the feeling that she’s secure within your arms. So on day 1, you might have to talk a lot by staying physically close to her. You could hug her from behind or wrap your arms around her waist while talking. This gives her time to get used to physical contact. Generally this leads to closeness so you may end up hugging tight after a while. Once a while kiss her hands while holding it.

Plan pregnancy in advance

Now that you know the process of conception you can easily plan when to have your baby. Some may considering trying from day 1. For some children are great responsibilities and so plan to get pregnant after a year or so. In any case plan ahead. Remember pre-wedding talks? Add this to the agenda. Reach a consensus on when you want to get pregnant. The ideal way is to decide from when you would want to start trying. If you think you would be ready for a baby after two years you could plan to start attempting after one year of your marriage. Why should you decide? You should because you need to follow contraceptive methods to delay the pregnancy. Both of you should be comfortable trying a contraceptive way and it should be out of free will, not compelled.

Contraceptive Methods

If you ask any doctor the best way to avoid pregnancy is abstinence which means refraining from sexual intercourse. There no great punishment than forcing a newly married couple to refrain from intercourse. Sexual intercourse is something that you shouldn’t be missing for whatever reason at least for the first year. So the ideal way to help you enjoy sex as well stay away from getting pregnant is to adapt contraceptive ways. There are so many types of contraception. The most easy and economic way is the condom and the pills. Condoms do not allow the sperm to enter whereas the contraceptive pills would allow the entered sperms to get in touch with the egg. Pills use hormones so many people are apprehensive towards using it though many claim that they are absolutely safe. Condoms do not have any advert effects but definitely lessens the pleasure of sex. There are ultra-thin condoms available but definitely wouldn’t match the pleasure of a naked penis!

Issues using the condoms

A condom is a great tool to delay pregnancy but has its own setbacks. In a country like India buying a condom from a medical store needs immense courage. The stare you get from the guy in the pharmacy as well the people around you make you sick. Another issue is the mind set of men. Men think condom is a hindrance and great shame to their manliness. So the hard penis may soften once your wear the condom. Psychologists say it’s completely mind related and can be solved with a little bit of counseling and changing the way you think.

To get over the first issue drop into a grocery store and buy condoms in bulk so that you don’t have to face that completely uncomfortable situation often. To get over the second issue, one must be extremely strong in mind. Some suggest the softening of the penis is because there is no direct physical contact on the outer skin. Believe me your penis is a great attention seeker and wouldn’t budge until it’s given due attention. So do not wear the condom until the foreplay is over and you are planning to enter into her. Some suggest that you keep the condom open and ready to use in your hand a little while before you are going to enter her. As soon as you want to insert the penis, put on the condom and go ahead. The softening may be due to the time delay in reaching out to the packet, slitting it open and taking the condom out. It surely works!

Delayed Conception

For couples who don’t want to get pregnant and are playing safe only during the 10th to the 20th day delayed conception is a real threat. Remember I told you the egg when not getting in contact until the 20th day would start disintegrating? Sometimes the egg would survive for an additional 2-3 days. In that case on the 21st day when you don’t follow any contraceptive methods the egg would get matured. There are a number of ways to find if the ovulation periods are over.

Plan your first night – No Surprises please!

First Night – I believe this term is used only in India. Anyways one night that is more special than everything else for every Indian. It’s basically because most of Indian men actually get to sleep with a woman for the first time. Hence there’s a lot of suspense that’s built up. Many get nervous, some get excited and very few act to the situation. You have to prepare yourself to be in that 3rd category. If you get nervous or excited you spoil the fun straight! How can you keep your cool on your first night? Plan! Not you alone but with your fiancé. Remember pre-wedding talks? Add this to the agenda. Please don’t organize your first night like you organize a Marketing campaign…but be well informed of what you are going to do.

The important fact to be considered is whether you are going to attempt sexual intercourse on the very first night or in the forth coming nights. The reason you should plan this ahead is because women have a lot of complications the first time they have sex. There is a thin inner skin covering the vaginal cavity. This skin needs to be ‘torn apart’ for the penis to enter in. Like any other part of the body ‘the tearing’ might be painful, shocking or even difficult. Slight bleeding is expected and for some women the hymen may be a little extra thick which means it may bleed more. You may not want to spoil your first night by inflicting pain to your newly wedded wife. So it’s actually a good idea to refrain from intercourse the first day itself. This is my suggestion. Please note that you would be very exhausted after the wedding and the reception thereafter. Take a good shower, brush your teeth again, wear light clothes and get ready for the First Night.

Don’ts during pre-wedding talks

You need to be extremely careful when you convey your opinions. Never joke around this concept. Many commit blunders by playing around the act of sex. If it makes your fiancé uncomfortable you’ve lost big time! Never laugh about or make fun of her menstrual days. Be very serious and cautious…handle with care. Do not talk sex all the time or even most of the time. Make sure you don’t bore her with too much sex. During your talks if you come to know that she is having her menstrual cycle try to be nice and kind to her. Women tend to get irritated at these times and a tiny spark may ignite fury. Watch yourself and give in…there’s nothing wrong in losing a debate to your fiancé. Make sure you give her enough rest on those days. Don’t call her from a café and challenge her to be there in 10 mins or else you wouldn’t talk to her for the next one day!! These are stuff that immature kids do during their college days or that funny hero on the stupid romance movie. You don’t have to be either because you are neither…you are a responsible fiancé. Know your limits!

Listen as much as you can…there is no pleasure for a woman to have a listening husband. If there is a disagreement about a particular concept, halt then and there. Do not debate. Be wise to say “Oh is that what you think. Ok there’s time to talk more about it. Well how’s your wedding day make-up shaping up”? In this way you just kick started a great topic and what was supposed to be an argument would suddenly end up as an exciting new conversation. Be Mature!

Pre-Wedding Talks

This is supposed to be one of the most important and memorable days to cherish ever after. After you know the girl you are going to be wedded with, you start building a relationship with her. Right from the first talk it gets interesting day by day. This is time when you both learn each other and understand what kind of a person your partner is going to be. This is exactly the time when you both first start to discuss about sex. I understand it cannot be the very first day or the first week. But as time goes on and both of you get out of apprehensions and start being open, it would be ideal to kick-start it. Why should you discuss it at this early stage itself? Sex means different to everyone. For some its mere pleasure, for some it’s yucky and for some it’s not their business at all. Open talks about sex makes sure that you both fall on the same line or you both have the same understanding of what sex is. Well in most cases it wouldn’t and these talks help reach a consensus. For a typical Tamil girl, the topic of sex would make her feel very uncomfortable. But we got to break the ice. If you are wondering how to, start by asking her view on a man-woman relationships. At this she should understand what you are hinting at. Believe me as you discuss somewhere you would hit the topic of sex.

So what is Sex?

Sex, biologically is a process for human beings to multiply and bring forth offsprings of the same kind. According to relationships, sex is an act of intimacy where two become one and according to the Bible, is way of respecting each other’s bodies in God’s love. This is the ultimate conclusion – Sex is a way of respecting each other’s bodies. While you start discussing about sex with you fiancé make sure she understands that you would respect her body and feelings. This instills a sense of confidence in you and more openness in terms of sexual life.

What should you talk about?

You may want to talk about her menstrual cycle whether it is periodical, meaning whether she is having her periods on a regular basis. Also make sure that she does not have pain before, after or during the menstrual cycle. A healthy woman wouldn’t have issues and any issue shouldn’t be ignored. Talk about your general view about sex. Always quote the Bible or any other great references. Make her feel comfortable about sex…I leave the strategy to you. But please discuss these things prior to marriage.

In my case I was very very apprehensive about taking this topic. Kudos to my wife who broke the ice one day. That marked the beginning of our conversation about sex.

Is Sex a Taboo?

Before reading this article I just want to give you a touch base on certain terms. In the remaining part of the article there would be too many usages of words that may not be fitting for casual reading. I request you to be mature enough to understand that the very word “sex” is not a taboo. Our culture has taught us to refrain from even hearing this word. Though there is no need for us to often use this word or publically talk about it, we should also know that sex itself is not a sin and should always keep updated on what it actually is. Mostly to know how important it is and how dangerous it is sometimes. Today most of the teenagers are spoilt because they are not properly taught about sex and so are many failed marriages. Marriage has so many happy incidents attached to it. It starts from the day you knew who the girl is then the first time you talk to her then the first time you hold her arms then the D’day itself and so many happenings following it. Sex is also a great part of the happiness and determines your complete happiness once you start your marriage life. There is no need to feel shy about or feel embarrassed to discuss with your partner.

Who should read this blog?

This blog is for those who are getting ready for marriage and ignorant about the Do’s and Don’t’s of sex life in a marriage, someone who knows the real meaning of the word ‘Holy Sex’ or ‘Sex according to God’ and those who have treated their bodies as the temple of God abstaining from sexual sins. The reason I’m emphasizing this is because this article would be based on the Bible and its definition of what a great couple should be. I’ve encountered so many youngsters having misconceptions about sex and thought this would be an eye-opener for such people. I’ve tried to be as simple as I can and narrated my experiences for the benefit of others. Please read on and share if you feel that you need advice or tips on how to maintain great relationships.

The Process of Marriage in a Typical (South) Indian tradition! I'm no exception.

I thought I would in a nutshell describe how I got married so that most of the readers could well relate with me. I was born in a Tamil Christian orthodox family. Sunday school, bible reading, prayer and church was a part of life. I thank God for His amazing grace that lead me this far. Like every other tamil school boy, I had one ambition during my 12th: To score above 1100 and get into an engineering college. Tuitions, extended school hours gave little time to freak. By the grace of God I scored above 1100 and got into an engineering college. All through the course, again like most of the tamils, I wanted to get placed in a software company and fly to the US. Again grace of God, it all happened. At a very early age I rose to levels in my career and by 25 I was all set for marriage. My parents started hunting for a girl. My appa often in our usual dad-to-son conversations tried to know if I had a girl in my mind. I ruled out that possibility and always believed that my parents could make a better choice than I could ever. I simply thought any ways I had to live with a girl learning her likes and dislikes and making myself used to it. So what big deal let me do that with the one my parents choose for me! Well, they finally found her…she was just out of college. I was 26 and she was 21…what a pair! We got engaged and after 5 months held hands at the altar before God. Before the wedding like any other Indian fiancé I spoke to her on the phone for long hours. It was during these talks (mostly over phone and occasional outings) we got to know each other more. We cherished each other’s company and couldn’t wait for the big day. Surprisingly, we were wise enough to also discuss about our sex life which gave us the opportunity to clear most of the myths and prepare ourselves for that great occasion of our lives.

Why did I write this blog about Holy Sex?

When talks about my wedding started in the family, I was both excited and puzzled. Excited about the fact that I’m going to get married and puzzled on the fact how am going to win as a great spouse. Of the many questions that I asked myself, one area where I had little or no experience was in the area of sex. Like any other orthodox tamil family the topic of sex or in that case even a romantic scene on the TV wasn’t received well. Sex was always that secret of secrets which was hidden like a treasure. So naturally with no internet or any other mediums of sex education not accessible during my times I grew up with scanty knowledge of sex. Once in a while we would bring this topic among friends and you know boys had their own definitions. I would often laugh thinking of those innocent conversations that we had during our early teens. Brought up in such an environment how do you think I would suddenly get the enlightenment over this topic once I’m married.

Thankfully advancements in technology have made this world smaller through internet and I took advantage of it. I “googled” with keywords like “sex advice”, “sex after marriage”, “sexual happiness”. Depending on your filter settings you would end up with so many results all of which don’t relate to us Indians. The cultural differences project sex in different ways and so sex as defined by an American sexologist wouldn’t be very apparent to our Indian lifestyle. For e.g. I bumped into a site (clean one ofcourse) which counseled youth. It constantly emphasized the need to be protective against sexual hazards during sex after dates for school children (13-17 years). It was indeed a great site and would serve the purpose but definitely not for someone like me who wanted to know the whereabouts of sex after marriage. Unsuccessful after many attempts I went through a few English sites and gained some knowledge. One of those sites, I faintly remember where, said this: “Do not be too anxious but be cool…you can learn and perform well as time goes on” which actually spurred the inspiration out of me. I did get married later and having a great time, sexually!

It was then I thought I should write a blog for the Indian youth to let know the facts of sex and marriage to clear our minds of the myths and take on facts to have a pleasurable sex life.